Therapy Session

I've written about a couple of my dreams in the past but I usually try to avoid it. But sometimes dreams are more honest and telling about your life and your feelings than you could ever be to yourself. Apparently I try to be anything but honest with myself and try to avoid negative feelings at all costs. Those feelings then build up and the flood gates come crashing down and you find yourself curled up on the couch trying to find a dry sleeve to wipe your tear stained face on while watching a commercial that involves puppies and little kids.

I took an aptitude test when I was a sophomore in college. After eight hours of grueling tests I was told that a) they couldn't figure me out; b) I will probably be in school for the rest of my life; and c) whatever I do I should work for myself. I'm realizing that all three of these things are true.

A) I can't figure myself out either! I have too many passions and my desire for adventure contradicts my desire to have a family.

B) I love learning and school is the best place to learn (outside of life experience). I think the reason I want to be an actress is so that I can learn and do everything. I may be master of none and mediocre of all but at least I'd get to do it all!

C) The realization that I should work for myself has never been truer than NOW! No details necessary but I would love the freedom to be able to GO! Just GO anywhere at anytime, be with anyone who needs my help or wants a companion to join them on a camping trip in Guatemala.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream that I was visiting Heather Armstrong of Dooce.com. We were hanging out with her daughter, Leta, just talking about life. I remember I finally built up the nerve to ask her how someone makes a living as a blogger. This one question has two points of significance. The first is that I would love the freedom that blogging brings. I could do it from anywhere at anytime. Awesome! Secondly, the question was barely audible when it came out of my mouth and no one heard. That's significant because I have a history of thinking that people are not interested in the things I have to say sometimes. I'll share an example: 10 people sit in a circle and catch up on the highs and lows of their year. We go in a circle and people are crying and laughing and really getting to share their struggles. I'm the last one to share and just when I begin speaking of the difficulties of the past year, a baby starts crying and everyone turns their focus to the baby and we never finish the sharing. That's just one of a billion out there. Becky says it's unbelievable how many times she's witnessed this happen to me (so it's not just me having a complex!)...and she's always quick to protect me. I also think that it shows I might be a little fearful to go after the things I really want.

I am fascinated by dreams and how they reveal the truth of life. I am also fascinated by the thought of making a living as a blogger! How does one do it?!!