Take Care of Those Tender Warriors

Ladies, let me open up your eyes to one of my most important discoveries of 2008: Intimacy, the bra-fit specialists. Let me tell you, my world has been rocked.

No doubt - well, maybe a little doubt - you've read about my past bra-fitting sessions at one popular lingerie store with freakishly skinny, big-boobed models that shall remain unnamed. I was measured and my bras fit fine. I'd wear them until the underwire started squeaking whenever I moved my arms. They stretched, lost shape and no longer did their duty to serve and protect.

Kelly had mentioned her favorite bra store a few months ago. I decided that after turning 32, I am indeed an adult - an adult WOMAN who wants to make sure her assets are well taken care of in their adult life. It was time to be evaluated by the real deal bra specialist. Sunday I marched in there with Kelly and made an appointment for an hour later. Naturally I chose to go eat a huge delicious brunch before my fitting. I mean I had time to kill. Oh the sorrow of regret! I was feeling much more attractive and worthy of being viewed in all my glory before the big meal. Learn from me ladies.

An hour later, I returned to the store and was ushered into a tiny fitting room. Let me warn the weak of heart and the modest little ones out there: you don't go in alone. My specialist was all business. "Take off your shirt and turn your back towards me." She grabbed the back of my bra and began yanking it around to find the right fit. She pulled so hard that the front of my bra almost flew past my boobs and up to my neck. When I went to reach for it she said, "Girl, no you don't. Hands down. I'm going to have to see it all honey." I'm as modest as a college frat boy so it didn't really bother me.

She checked out the "girls" and brought in about twenty bras for me to try. I found three fabulous bras that I can wear with anything. There were also two of the most adorable bras that I really really wanted. We're talking lace with precious bows and flowers. Things that make a girl feel sexy. But really, who wears stuff like that!? My wardrobe isn't adorable bra-friendly. But then I thought...well maybe...I'll just try my cotton shirt over it. Ummmm....I looked like I had diseased breasts. In this case, what was cute underneath the shirt did not translate well from the outside.

Another discovery, though not so pleasant: Bras are expensive y'all! I had to justify my purchase by telling myself that I wear a bra every day and it is worth spending good money on a good fit. It's like a good pair of jeans. Oh dear, I'm becoming so entitled....

So next time you see me, be sure to compliment my breasts. I'll be offended if you don't.