Getting Stronger!

I have a new trainer and we met for the first time yesterday morning. So far the results are that I'm limping around, groaning everytime I stand up, and I can't decide if my boobs hurt because of PMS or because of the "Superman" sets.

He gave me my story of the day yesterday. I'm doing the Arnold shoulder presses while lunging down the center of the gym when he squats down to my eye-level, gets uncomfortably close to my face and says, "Are you a sheep or a wolf?"

"Ummm....what?"

"Are you a sheep or a WOLF?!"

"Oh, you're serious. Uh...umm. I guess it depends on the day?"

"In order to protect the sheep, you have to kill the wolf. In order to kill the wolf, YOU HAVE TO BE THE WOLF!"

Yes, a huge 260 pound, 6-foot 4-inch, college football-playing man with biceps the size of my head is my new trainer. I'm scared.

High Maintenance

Today I realized that my car is old. It has its quirks. I never gave them much of a thought until I had to valet it today for a work event. Hopping out of my car I handed the keys to the valet and gave him a list of tricks to make sure my car didn't lock down and revolt.

1. The remote to unlock the doors doesn't work all the time. If you click it you may trip the alarm which means the car won't start. So don't use it. Ignore it.

2. If the alarm sets itself, you'll have to use the remote but it may take a little while for it to work.

3. To unlock the door you have to use the silver key in the passenger-side door. It won't work in the driver-side door.

4. The silver key won't work to turn on the car. You have to use the black key to make the car start.

I love my car and will miss it dearly when its time to let go. I still think it has a few good miles left, but I won't mind having a few of the bells and whistles a newer car has to offer - like seat warmers! They sound so good this time of year.

Single for a Season or Single for a Reason?

Today's Lunchroom Theory: Change of seasons can either make or break a relationship.

Take a moment to ponder.

Imagine this, you go on a date with a guy who is cute and you're thinking there might be a little chemistry. You're at your front door ready to say good night. You stand gazing into each others eyes. Is he about to move in for a kiss? Next thing you know, he shivers a little, says, "it's cold" and proceeds to place his man muffs over his ears. Romantic moment RUINED! Man Muffs are responsible for yet another failed relationship.

Another co-worker, Elizabeth, tells us a story about a guy she was beginning to date just as fall turned into winter. Rumors of him walking the streets in a Jets coat circulated. But no, surely it can't be true. She wouldn't believe it. Then comes date number three. Jets coat makes an appearance. Relationship quickly evaporates.

Thinking we're shallow? Try this: It's late spring and summer is around the corner. You've fallen hard for this guy - well as much as you can in three weeks time. You've always seen him dress nicely in great jeans and a light jacket. Suddenly the weather warms up on a rare May weekend. He calls you to tell you that he's waiting outside your apartment to take you on a date. You run out the door, excited to see him. You stop in your tracks barely able to believe what you're seeing. He's wearing shorts. And they're short. Like 1970's professional basketball team short. Could you do it? What if they were once jeans that were cut-off mid-thigh?

I'm telling you, you need to at least date a full year before committing. Seasonal changes can tell you a lot about a person.

The Annual Visit

Sound the horn! Clash the cymbals! Fly the flags! It's time for my annual gynecological appointment! Hooray! Let's make sure that pap gets the clean bill of health.

Unless your pregnant, most women need to plan for this appointment. There's some preparation that must take place before you'll freely spread'em for the gynecologist. (Oh Mom, please make sure Dad isn't reading this...or at least reading it alone. You may have to hold his hand. I can almost hear him saying, "GEEEEEEEZ Kathryn!" But these are the facts of life. If I don't write about it, who will? Becky, that's who.)

My checklist:
1. Make appointment for first thing in the morning. This ensures ultimate freshness.
2. Shower...obviously.
3. Wardrobe choice - Wear something that's the clothing-equivalent to a cup of chicken noodle soup when you have a cold. Comfort food and comfort clothes can go a long way.
4. Are you lasered, waxed, etc.? You want to make their job easy.
5. Emotional strength - go ahead and acknowledge that immediately after the appointment you'll think, "that wasn't that bad!" But later you'll have a creeping feeling of being slightly violated. That's normal and it will eventually go away.

I think I'm ready. I've decided on leggings, a dress that's more comfortable than sweatpants, and a scarf. I'll call my girls for support. But the main relief is knowing that I'm healthy and don't have to do this for another 12 months.

Get those pap smears girls! Everybody's doing it.

Ordinary World

I thought you might be interested in seeing the trailer for Ordinary World, a film I did back in April. I think it's being released in a month or so. Exciting times!

You see my best feature rockin' the green DVF dress.

Long Hiatus

Sorry for the log hiatus. After the most fun summer of my life it's time to get back to business! I also want to mention briefly that I've started writing a book. So far it's little vignettes from my life - humorous and truthful all at the same time. I'm sure it will include many embarrassing moments that cause the reader much pain.

I'm not very far into it, but I think it's a good goal. I may use this blog to work out a few stories. I'll let you know how it goes.

Big News Everyone!

I would like to take this moment to acknowledge some fantastic news in the Orender family. Not only is my sister-in-law, Alicia, pregnant and due in December, but my sister, Erin, is pregnant, too! This news just couldn't get any better! Or could it?

Yesterday Erin and Chris went to the doctor and found out they're having TWINS!!! I cried, of course. I'm so excited for them. I'm sure they are frightened. They already have two boys at home.

I'll go ahead and answer your questions:
1. Yes, it is totally natural.
2. Twins does run in the family. My great aunt and uncle on my Mom's side were twins. Chris' great aunt and uncle were also twins. Do you see the pattern? Boy and Girl twins. So I'm thinking I could possibly have a niece in the near future! Three nephews, one more on the way. Don't get me wrong, I love those boys with all my heart, but come on, I need to have a niece to take shopping, talk boys, style for prom, etc. Chris wants two boys so he can start a gang.

Because You Couldn't Wait a Second Longer...

Good news everyone, I'm not pregnant!

Have I ever mentioned my hot dermatologist? He's beautiful. I have to see him every few months because of my super-strong face medicine. They need to check my blood to make sure my potassium levels aren't insane. Plus I like to think that he just wants to see me. I know, I'm dreaming. Whatever.

Yesterday I had my typical appointment. He looked too closely at my skin for my comfort. I know he's a dermatologist, but he makes my heart flutter. I probably need to get my moles checked but I just can't bring myself to let him see me naked. Never had your moles checked? I don't want to discourage you (because you really NEED to do it! Stay healthy!) but it can be a bit invasive. I just don't think I could take him studying every part of my body, closely, with a magnifying mirror with fluorescent lighting. It's just completely unnecessary to have to check my crack. Dinner first, please.

Tangent. Okay, where was I? Yes, typical appointment. He asked if I was on birth control because this medicine is not safe for unborn babies. Something about hermaphrodites. Anyway, I told him I wasn't but probably would have to get on it soon. "Why?" "Well, I haven't had my period in several months and I'm going to the doctor in a couple of weeks. She'll probably make me get on it." "Could you be pregnant?" "Um, no." "How do you know for sure?" "Um...because I'm not having sex??" Cue MOMENT OF AWKWARDNESS. "Oh, okay. That would do it."

We go through this every time I see him. He always wants to know why I'm not on birth control. I think he's finally getting it. He asked if he could just request a pregnancy test because doctors notes are now audited. I said, "Sure, fine, why not. But if it comes back positive..." "What? Immaculate conception?" "Exactly." I still wish it would have come back positive because that would have been quite the story! Was I drugged? Or was it the one time I wore shorts while riding public transportation? You never know on the CTA. Plus my family is fertile myrtle.

Struttin' It

Monday morning I was looking really cute. I was. I'm not going to deny it. Black pants, yellow, long, flowy sweater snugged tightly to my waist with an over-sized blue belt, and heels. I was working it. I was feeling it.

I had an appointment during lunch. As I was on the elevator after my appointment, a threesome of very handsome, young lawyers, decked out in expensive suits, boarded the elevator a few floors down. I smiled and they smiled back. One of them kept checking me out. Seriously, he gave me the up and down. I so knew he thought I was cute. Even as we were headed out the revolving glass door he turned around to look at me again. I have it, what can I say.

Chin held high I entered a cab. The perfect fall wind was blowing my hair blissfully. A few minutes later I was back at my work destination. Scooting across the back seat to pay the cab driver and exit, I looked down and noticed something. My zipper was down. Oh, okay, humility in check. Got it. Staring at my zipper, not me. Dang it!

Journal Entry of a Weak Soul

Dear Diary,

Why are there so many damn cookies in the kitchen? I feel guilty if I don't try them all. I feel guilty if I do. So I settled for the lesser of two evils. Now my mouth hurts from too much sugar.

And in case any of you were wondering if Rick Bayless' new restaurant, XOCO, was any good. It is. And he's just as cute in person. I could have reached out and removed a flake of torta from his beard. But I didn't.

The Things Our Parents Tell Us

I was listening to the radio the other morning and they were discussing adults who wouldn't do something because their parents told them not to do it. Correlating with it is advice your parents gave you or statements they made that you will never forget.

Some of mine are:

• Whenever I use a credit card, I hear my dad in the back of my head saying not to use a credit card unless it's an emergency or you can pay it off immediately. Not a bad thing to remember. But I still feel weird using a credit card, no matter what occasion.
• Mom - never leave the house without lipstick. I hear this in my head all the time. Do I obey it? To her dismay, no.
• Dad - "If a boy tries to take advantage of you physically, grab his thumbs." I don't know why I remember this one. Grabbing his thumbs would be the least of his problems.

What are some things that your parents told you that you can't get out of your head? Or is there something that you still won't do because your parents wouldn't approve or think it's a good idea?

Dreams

I've had a bounty of dreams recently. One involved a theme of bad toupees and ended with Rod Blagojevich comforting me. What?

Another dream I had this week had me running around the city with friends when all of a sudden the sewers backed up and the streets were being flooded by crap. Crap as in...crap. Ew. Gross. We escaped to this old, victorian three-story home that served as some strange convent. It was almost like a combination of amish women and nuns. Then it turned out to be some kind of cult where they basically worshipped their vacuums. I said to someone standing next to me, "Hey, they feel the same way about their vacuums as we do our brooms." When I said this I meant brooms that we use for flying. You know you've been reading too much Harry Potter when it seeps into your dreams.

The final dream had my counselor writing it down and then analyzing it. She told me that I should spend the last 10 minutes of my session in a tanning booth. I said that I have some big stories to tell her and she responded, "I don't like to listen to these types of stories until Easter." RANDOM! She analyzed the dream. It's official. I'm a wacko.

A New Book

I am reading the most delightful book. You know it's good when you say "delightful" after only reading 16 pages. It's called The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. It makes me want to write. So here I am writing. Nothing good enough to publish. The book is comical, heart warming and just plain witty. Beckles, we should write a book together!

Has anyone read it?

Summertime in the City

I really am having such an amazing summer. I stopped taking classes, vowed to not partake in a play, and have sort of reacquainted myself...with myself.

Sunrise bike rides with Alyson, movies in the park with Jess & Jay, Ravinia with Cristin, laying out by the lake with Harry Potter, talking on a porch swing with a glass of Chardonnay in hand with Melissa, walk in the park with Kelly, So You Think You Can Dance with Janell and Carmen, mountain climbing in L.A. with Kathie, swimming with my nephews, cocktails at lunch with Beckles, High Tea with Mum, walks with Dad, dancing at Jessie's wedding with Erin, Bobtail ice cream, small group on Monday nights on Alyson's roof top, full moon reflection on the lake, pilates in Millennium Park with Jessie, etc., etc. I really could go on and on. I am so blessed for these gifts this summer. I'm looking ahead to the Family Reunion in Missouri this next week. I can't wait!

I haven't felt this way about summer since I graduated from high school. Feels good.

Slippery When Wet

Oh to be 18 again! Andrew and his friends are having the time of their lives. If only we had thought of this back in the day....

Working the Corner

Last night I went for a walk around the block to get some fresh air. It was gorgeous and the Pride Parade had finally disbanded and the neighborhood was de-trashed. Walking towards me a man said, "You know I want you, don't you?" Me: "Um, I do now!" Janell, let's just keep walking at a swift pace!

Must Protect This House!

One thing I don't get:

Micro-mini skirts and public transportation.

Seriously, I get the heebie-jeebs when I see girls board the bus in freakin' short skirts. Do they know who or what has previously sat in that seat? Protection from the elements ladies. Protection.

Dirt Bike Accident

This photo makes my ass twitch.

Wedding Day Predictions

Jessie & Jay got married this past weekend in Springfield, IL. Mom, dad and Erin flew up for the celebrations and we had a great time! Jess looked gorgeous, of course, and it was obvious Jay couldn't wait to get married. They're off on their honeymoon and can't wait to see them when they get back. I'll post pictures at somepoint. Most of them involve me and Erin being the silly girls that we are at the Lincoln Museum. (part of the reception included a tour of the museum. pretty awesome.)

One of the most precious moments of the weekend was when my Aunt Nancy found a paper Jessie had written when she was nine years old. In it she predicted what each cousin would be doing a few years down the road. Some she nailed right on the head - like Alyse being a pro-wrestler and poker player who knows how to cheat. Others came close - like Erin being a super-model, like a queen of the super-models. For me, she said that I ran a mile in 24 seconds and won a thousand million dollars and now live in Paris. Oui oui!

I absolutely adore family and cannot wait for our family reunion in July!!!

Every Man's Dream

Here's a picture Alicia sent of Liam titled "Every Man's Dream." Mom and I laughed so hard.