Please Forward

I've added a tickity-tic-ticker to my blog this week. Now I can track how many people visit my blog to see if I actually have any readers! Wouldn't you know it that it's only been a couple of days and I've already had 150 visits? I know! I too am shocked. And the cool part is that not quite all of them have been from me!

Would you be a kind dear and forward this web address to any and everyone you know and just tell them how much you just laugh and laugh and laugh when you read my site. You can also tell them it will make them feel better about themselves and even make them feel even smarter. And if we all felt better and smarter there's no telling what we could accomplish!

There's a fun new feature too. Just click on the little envelope by the comments section and you can email whatever friends you may have easily.

Thank you so very much!

Monk-E-Mail

Make someones day by sending them a hilarious Monk E-Mail brought to you by careerbuilder.com. Don't ask why I was on careerbuilder.com. I'm not looking for a new job okay.

MASHER does Me

Jessie had the luxury of using M.A.S.H.E.R to give me peace about my future. I mean who wouldn't want to spend summers in a double-wide with Mark Ruffalo?

Katy marries Mark Ruffalo, both naked, with 500 of her closest friends and family attending, at a beach in San Francisco. They reside in an apartment with their 1 child (not named Aristotle) on the hot beaches of So. Cal.! She gets around in her lexus SUV when she's not at home
writing harlequin novels. In the summer the R's can be found in their
double wide at Lincoln Love Trailer Park in Decatur. If you would
like to contact the couple they will be arriving home next week from their honeymoon of love in Croatia. [written by Cousin Jessie]

Hello future husband who is already married to another woman. I'm hoping he's mormon.

MASHER does Jessie

My cousin, Jessie's future as told by M.A.S.H.E.R and M.A.S.H.E.R never lies!!

Budding Broadway star Jessica Lindsay just married the sexy
nerd, Zac Braff after a paternity test revealed that her daughter was indeed his
spawn. They named their daughter Mandy Moore. Using their borrowed Lincoln Town Car they moved the new family to their home in the wonderful city of Decatur, IL. There they had their wedding and their honeymoon. They can’t get enough of that place. But Jessie does like to shake things up a bit and spends the summers with Britney and Kevin Federline in Hawaii. That way they can be barefoot and
pregnant all they want.

CODE RED! CODE RED!

This morning started out beautifully. I was alive and fully awake when my alarm chimed. I journaled my deep thoughts and enjoyed a delicious bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal. Walking out the door wearing my spring pink the sun greeted my face. I was able to snag a seat on the el and had just enough time to stroll to White Hen to grab a morning coffee and a snack for later.

Is this too good to be true? No, it was true! But then it became all TOO true. You know what I mean? Do you really?

I created my culinary treat of decaf coffee with a little bit of cream and a couple of Splendas. With my coffee mixed to perfection I perused the latest flavors of Zone Bars. They were the exact same flavors they have been for the past year. I made my selection and joined a line of others waiting to pay and get on with their bread winning and life changing careers. I began to grow a little impatient as I waited and waited for a whole two people who chatted it up at the register. Ugh, how DARE they do that to me! I had many busy and important things to do when I got to the office. Myspace was waiting! When they finally exited the door I sashayed my way to the counter. Then an unknown fear suddenly grew. I couldn't quite place it. No matter. After the beep of each item being rung up I began to search for my wallet. Unlike those peope in front of me I am efficient. I've always prided myself on my efficiency. I don't like to have people waiting for me or to have to be "put out" because of me. Therefore, I've perfected time saving techniques! As I opened my bag the origin of my fear finally revealed itself. I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME! Saying, "Uh nuh" (out loud) sweat beads began to form on my upper lip and my brow. I frantically went through possible stashes of money I had hidden in pockets. With pleading eyes I said, "I seem to have left my wallet at home. But I do have my checkbook." With a stare that seemed to convey to me, "YOU'RE RETARTED!" she said they cannot take checks. "Oh, I see. Of course." (embarassed mumbling) "I'm so sorry. Well, I guess I'll just go. Sorry, I already made the coffee. Sorreeeeeeeeeeee (to let her again that I know the depth of my stupidity)." Walking away with a line of people in suits and sneakers staring at me I hear "Ma'am." I turn around and she just says, "take the coffee because now it's just GARBAGE!" I meekly walk over with my tail between my legs, grab the coffee and just short of running turn and make my way out of the store.

Now I'm sitting here wondering how I'm supposed to take my friend, Jolene, out for her birthday lunch today.

And you do you know why I don't have my wallet this morning? Yes it IS partially because I'm an IDIOT! But it also has to do with the fact that I went to the dreaded store last night. I actually had a great experience there and seemed to have "enjoyed" myself while shopping for foods. BUT once again, the grocery store reveals itself as the foundation for my MISERY and inadequacy in life!

Monday Evening Thoughts

Two random thoughts yesterday while talking with the roommates:

1) If you had to choose how you would die what would be your choice? On a tandem bicycle with my roommates crossing lakeshore drive. (If we ever rode a tandem bicycle across lakeshore we surely would die).













2) If you had to have a personalized license plate what would it say? TXS GRRL or maybe OB GYN.

Rejection Hurts

Jessie and I were heading out to see Thank You for Smoking (still have a celebrity crush on Aaron Eckhardt, as I've had for years, even though I'm not supposed to have those anymore) last night. Fabulous movie but that's another story. And we run into our downstairs neighbor, Robert. Robert is great. He's a cute man who moved up here from New Orleans with is wife after Hurricane Katrina. His wife is often back in New Orleans working and therefore he gets bored. So we ask how he's doing as we're walking out the front door and he says, "I'm soooooooooo bored!" Well I never like seeing anyone in any pain so I ask if he would like to join Jessie and I in our movie adventure. He responds, "Can I take a rain check?" Ouch, that hurts. I was rejected by someone who was "Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored." Am I THAT bad? Even boredom sounds more fun than hanging out with the likes of me? Maybe next time I'll bribe him with homemade cookies. Well, Jessie's homemade cookies because I only bake so often.

Jabba the Hutt

Someone looks eerily like Jabba the Hutt.

Connor and Me

I finally got to meet Connor last weekend. I have to admit that he stole my heart right away. Erin and Chris let me spend the night at their house Thursday so Connor and I could hang out all night. I only lasted until 12:30 before falling asleep. He's too much of a night owl for me. He slept right on my chest with his head under my chin for almost two hours. When he and Erin drove away on Sunday night I almost cried. It made it really hard to leave Texas this time. This just means I'll have to visit more often! I am already planning on going back for Memorial Day. I am always in awe of how my family loves each other.

Bring Back the 90's!

Chris and Marissa had their engagement party in Dallas this weekend when I was home. It was a 90's themed party. It was brilliant. I debated between wearing Jessie Spano spandex from her overdose episode or my cheerleading outfit from high school. In the end I selected perhaps the best outfit of the night. Elaine! Elaine from Seinfeld! I found everything I needed in my mothers closet. She promptly told me that she is burning everything I picked. I wore a black skirt that did nothing but make me look frumpy. The silk multi-patterned shirt with the trademark gold necklace just sitting under the color began to pull the outfit together. The black blazer did even more to channel Elaine. But the two things that sealed the deal were the white ankel socks with black shoes and the sky high hair. I used so much hairspray that my hair was crunchy. Unfortunately it began to fall through out the night. But I loved it. I whipped out a few of her dance moves and the party started.

Mrs. Walsh from 90210 visited as well as Kelly Taylor and Brandon Walsh. Grunge band fans and a few others came too. What a great party!

Excuse Me Sir

Today I stayed home sick. I sound like I'm in a tunnel and that something is perpetually holding my nose. I think I must have swallowed glass last night in my sleep. That's how bad the throat felt this morning. Aww, poor Katy. Now that I have your sympathy, I am going to ask for it again.

I scheduled an appointment on Monday to have my eyebrows waxed at Nordstrom. It's right down the street from work and Belinda does a fabulous job. I couldn't cancel today because it was too close to my appointment time and would have had to pay if I skipped. Eh, who am I kidding? I needed my eyebrows waxed BAD! So I had my hair in a ponytail (did I brush it? nope). I wore my favorite sweats from Target and my favorite black fleece that also seconds as a blanky for me on occassion. As I drive into the Nordstrom parking garage there are two valets who will park your car. I pull up and as I'm beginning to roll down my window I hear the dreaded, oh so humiliating, "Yes Sir, how can I help you?" Ummmm, SIR?!!!!! As I finished rolling down the window I hear him say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. So sorry about that." All that came out of my mouth was, "Yeah.....welllllllllll.....whatever." Not only am I feeling sick and unattractive, but my eyebrows are in serious need of a wax. I DID NOT NEED THIS! Granted I do drive a car that is more masculine but PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!!! All I wanted to do was get out of the car and point at my backside and say, "Do 'sirs' have a backside like this? I don't think so! And if they did, I would call them ma'am!" Instead I just acted like it happens all the time, no big deal, and kept on doing my thing. Heaven forbid that I make him feel uncomfortable.

In all honesty, it had to have been the flourescent lights blinding him from seeing through the tinted windows. Sure. I think I'm going to go shower now and make myself look more feminine.

www.komikazee.com

I'm published! Well, sort of... You may remember me mentioning the fact that my brother-in-law, Chris, has created a website for comic enthusiasts. He thought it would be fun if I wrote an article or two on occassion. Considering I've had no experience with Comic books, I chose to write about that. It's fun to see people comment on where I should begin this obsession. You can read my article here. You might recognize the sarcastic, self-depricating tone I bring to this blog.

Take a moment or two to peruse the site. It's really a fantastic website for enthusiasts and wanna-be's alike. Spread the word!

Charmed Bracelet

Do you remember when charm bracelets were everything? I remember when James Avery was everything. How my heart rejoiced over small silver trinkets like dangle rings, charms and necklaces. In 6th grade I was simply going to DIE if I didn't have a pair of rings to share between me and my best friend. I was desperately trying to find a best friend who could wear the "be...fri" to match my "st...end" dangle ring. Match them together and you have "best friend." Awe. Sigh.

Today I decided to wear my charm bracelet that I've had since I was in junior high. Slowly but surely I obtained charms that represented my high school years. If someone was to look at my wrist they would wonder what kid I stole this from.

The following is a list of charms and what they represent:
1) basketball: because I was an athlete. I may have been short but I was feisty.
2) A+: beating all the odds I was obsessed with making good grades.
3) volleyball: still one of my favorite sports.
4) sweet 16 heart: obviously I got this when I turned 16.
5) megaphone: go Trojans! If it's not obvious enough, I was a cheerleader.
6) heart with a "K": I'll give you 3 guesses.
7) tennis racket: because my dad desperately wanted me to play tennis.
8) snow skis: because I desperately wanted to be an olympic downhill skier. still do.
9) welsh corgi: I had a welsh corgi growing up named woofie.
10) "st...end" : please see above
11) clown: because I was funny? I don't remember getting this one. Clowns scare me. Poltergeist scarred me for life.

I haven't received a charm since. But if I were to continue to fill my charm bracelet today I would choose the following:
1) pint of Ben and Jerry's: does this really need an explanation? see all posts
2) computer: because it's slowly sucking my life away.
3) bottle of clearisil: because I still have teenage acne at the ripe old age of 30.
4) an Oscar: because I will win one someday DAMMIT!
5) marathon medal: to remind me that I was once somebody.
6) charm that dispenses floss: so I won't have any excuses for not flossing after a meal.
7) bridesmaids dress: I spent most of my vacation days this year in a bridesmaid dress.
8) best aunt: because Connor would want me to have it. I only speak truth.
9) inhaler: to use when climbing the steps for the el.
and finally 10) laser gun: to represent NO MORE WAXING!!!

Wow, what an exciting life I do lead!

Glutton . . . FOR PUNISHMENT!

Why is the roof of my mouth and my tongue burned and raw this morning? Sam and I were inspired by the hundreds of frozen pizzas being given away after the Cubs game. Should I have eaten a pizza at 10:30 p.m.? No. Would waiting longer than 5 seconds after removing the pizza from the oven before consuming it been a good idea? Yes. Was my judgment clouded by melted cheese and a crispy crust? Always. Did my raw mouth stop me from eating crunchy cereal for breakfast? Never. Were baked lays at lunch a bad idea? Sure. Should I have visited the burn unit at the hospital last night? Possibly. So many questions and even more flaws. As my embroidered pillow that quotes Charlie Brown says, "I lay awake one night and say aloud, 'What could have gone wrong?' a voice answers back, 'This could take more than one night.'"

Most people give up an item of decadent food for lent to show their love for God. I on the other hand must have given up healthy food for lent. Beginning Sunday it's back to dry chicken, undressed salad and water for me. Can't wait.

Poop Face

You know I had to post it. This picture makes me crack up every time I look at it.

Another Slip

The windows in our apartment are VERY drafty. We've had issues with the windows from the beginning. Had you visited our apartment this winter you would have noticed the dazzling plastic covering the windows to block the draft. It really was beautiful the way the Christmas Tree lights reflected off of the rippling plastic. The maintenance man also sealed up the in the rotting wood by using a clear sealer. The smell alone made me high for a week.

Seeing as the plastic has finally been taken off of the windows and the sealer prevents us from opening the windows to let in the spring air, I decided to take it upon myself to remove the sealer. It's gummy in texture and easily pulls away from the window. There was so much sealer it was astonishing and caused me to say:

"Look how much cock we needed this winter!"

I meant to say "caulk." Dangit! Too much time with you Second City people. You're ruining my innocence!

Super Connor!

Connor is cooler than I am. He has his own website and he's only a month old. My brother-in-law is obviously a fanatic of comics. Check out the new family at SuperConnor.com

Tears, BIG Tears

Sunday night I happily found myself on the couch huddled with my roommates watching Grey's Anatomy. Sometimes there's nothing better than putting on your p.j.'s at 8:00 p.m. and watching the evening lineup. Usually I am doing something at all hours of the day. I'm just like my dad. There's too much of this world to explore and experience to waste it sitting on the couch. But Sunday night I couldn't have been happier. It also made me realize that I need to do more of nothing sometimes so I can truly appreciate life's adventures.

My cousin, Jessie, made me aware a few months ago that I like to guess what's going to happen in movies or t.v. Not only do I guess, but I guess OUT LOUD, ALL THE TIME! I think it's because I like to sound smart or guess things before they happen so I can say things like, "I told you so." But the humorous part is that I'm just shy of being ALWAYS WRONG! We laugh that I have a 35% chance of being correct. Frankly, I think that's a generous number. When I do get something right everyone knows it. I must be the most annoying person with whom one could watch 2-dimensional entertainment. I would like to just go ahead now and apologize to anyone who watches t.v. with me or will one day watch t.v. with me. I just can't help myself!

The emotional exploitation of Sundays episode of Grey's Anatomy didn't disappoint. I mean, when that dying lady (Jackie from Roseanne; aka: Laurie Metcalf) was sharing life's wisdom with her daughter I almost lost it. Then when she got to the part telling her daughter that she will one day have a child it's the most important part of her life, blah blah blah, I was sobbing. I'm talking hands to the face, tears spewing, guttoral groans...the works. I think I scared my cousin. Jessie only moved in with me in August. I haven't watched many movies or television in the past 8 months so she had yet to experience the joy that is me being emotional ripped apart while watching either one. Janell just patted her on the leg and said, "it's normal."

Jessie cries in life, I cry in movies...t.v. shows...commercials...emails...stories...books. It takes a lot for me to cry in life. Jessie is stone cold when it comes to sappy emotional stories. But then there are those rare times when I just can't stop the tears. Yesterday my best friend had the joy of confronting me. I'm not the easiest person to confront. As we learned earlier, I like to be right and I like to never do anything wrong...or anything that would merrit a confrontation. It's not that I'm unteachable, I just don't like disappointing anyone. And to me confrontation = disappointment. That's basically what she had to confront me about: I'm unconfrontable! She said it in a very gentle and loving way. And when people are gentle and loving towards me, I cry, and then I can't talk. I mean I can talk, but it takes about a minute per word. I think I was just emotionally drained too...ready to cry. You know what I'm saying? No? Girl talk. The great thing is that once I cry, I'm good to go. I'm ready to face the world again and I feel 100% better. I'm such a girl. Sometimes I cry just for the sake of needing a good cry. You know what helps? A good song....or maybe watching Little Women.