Fish Out of Water

Saturday night after seeing a terrible sketch show at Chicago's Sketch Fest, I had planned on going home and cleaning my apartment. I could hardly wait to use the Oreck vacuum. But as usual, I was lurred away from my cleaning plans by an opportunity to hang out with friends. Ashley had called and I ended up going to her apartment before we met a friend of hers. It took her two hours to get ready, TWO! Had I known that I wouldn't be going out until after 11 pm I would have headed home. Whatever, it was good to see a friend and glad I did it.

The awkward moments didn't start until I heard where we were headed. John Barleycorn. Did you not hear me? JOHN BARLEYCORN! Gag, eww, psh, blah, blech....John Barleycorn. This place was definitely not my style. I prefer to sit in a quieter place where you can listen to music and talk with your friends. This mega bar is more of a meat market. Granted its not nearly as bad as say, Cherry Red, but still gag, eww, psh, blah, blech. Now Ashley is much more experienced in this world. She works at Rockit Bar for goodness sake. She was definitely in her element. I on the otherhand was just following her around and gathering up the strength not to run out of there.

First of all, Ashley was dressed in her going out clothes: sparkly top, new jeans, heels and a faux fur jacket. I of course was dressed to go play flag football: black shirt, jeans, sneakers and a puffy green jacket (note that I was supposed to go home and vacuum). She looked ready for going out and I looked like sporty spice...the lesbian looking one. I just sang of insecurity! Secondly, Ashley new how to work the room. She got her trademark Effen Black Cherry and Soda drink and surveyed the room. She asked if I wanted to do a walk through. "A WHAT?!!" "A Walk through. You know, walk through the room and check out everyone." "Yeah, I gathered that one." NO I DON'T WANT TO DO A WALK THROUGH. I WANT TO DO A RUN HOME! But I followed her around anyway. I made sure I made no eye contact with anyone. Lord, Why am I single? Anyway, we made our way upstairs to the dance floor. I was so cheesed out by everything around me. I couldn't help but pull out my trademark moves: the robot and anything that made me laugh at myself. Why do people take themselves so seriously? I think we were upstairs for all of 4 minutes. We came back downstairs and met up with her friend and thankfully Jason (fellow Second City classmate) showed up. See Jason, I mentioned you in my blog. I didn't get home until 2 am. I still have yet to vacuum.

Oreck Vacuum!

I asked for just a normal every day vacuum cleaner for Christmas. I don't necessarily have carpet in my apartment. Its wall to wall wood flooring. But I do have one rug in my room. Admittedly I haven't vacuumed it in probably 8 months...maybe longer. Its not that I'm super messy, I just don't step on it all that often. Plus I'm lazy. My old roommate had bought us a vacuum cleaner. Wait, let me clarify. It was a handheld Dirt Devil. We had more rugs back then and vacuuming meant getting on your hands and needs and sliding the little handheld Dirt Devil back and forth over the rugs. NOT. FUN!

So when I received a huge Oreck box in the mail at work yesterday I lept for joy! This is like a top of the line, down to business vacuum! I love to vacuum! I love seeing the lines it makes in the carpet. I like the instant gratification it brings! Granted carpet is scarce in my apartment, but it still does wonders on the bare wood floors! I think I scared Jessie and Janell a bit with my enthusiasm.

My mom can't help herself. She has to go all out! This thing puts the Dysen to shame. It's smaller, light weight and comes with a smaller vacuum buddy that has easily accessible attachments so I can clean window sills and baseboards. ITS BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Run Away

Last night Jessie was laying on my bed and I was on the floor lacing up a new pair of shoes (I'm a shoe junkie!). Neither one of us wanted to go to bed because I think we were both dreading the next day. Its not that there was anything awful happening, its just the fact that the next day wasn't a weekend day.

I looked at her and said, "hey, lets run away!"

She enthusiastically yelled "OKAY!"

Of course both of us are way too responsible to do something like running away.

I said, "Sometimes I wish I was kidnapped. Not by some sick and violent rapist. More like by some really fun friends who want to rescue me! That would be cool."

Have I reverted to some morbid perspective? Yikes!

Biggest Loser

Apparently there are "auditions" for The Biggest Loser down the street from work. There was already a line last night as I walked by my el stop. These people are serious. I also saw some people who did not need to be in line for the show. I wanted to pull some of these girls out of the line and tell them that they are beautiful and in no way should they be in line! Maybe what they need is counseling! But I have to admit that its slightly tempting to jump in line. I'd get really skinny, be on television and I just know with my cute personality that I'd become a reality star. Ha! There's more to life than that and I'll keep on pursuing something a little more grand.

Sunday Class

Yesterday was an extremely emotional class as we discussed Jim's death and also the death of Laurie's fiance', Tommy. The class was as wonderful as it was emotional. Tim O'Malley was the perfect teacher for us yesterday. He knows us all well and he was great about opening up discussion. There were definitely tears but also laughter as we shared memories. He suggested that we write some of these down to send to his family and to Second City. There is another article on Jim today in the Chicago Tribune.

I think our class is really bonding again which is something that we need. After class we spent a good hour acting like Junior High drama kids at Corcorans. We had a window booth and would wave enthusiastically at everyone walking by and then laugh hysterically. Maybe we all needed that release. One guy walked by and thought that he probably somehow knew us. He paused, partially waved, then looked inquisitive. I just waved him on because why torture him. Then we raised the dorkiness level by acting like mannequins in the window. No one stopped to look. I can't believe I just shared this information. I mean we were pathetic but we also were dying of laughter. It was just what we needed.

Jim Zulevic

I just found out some really tragic news. A beloved teacher and performer died of a heart attack a few hours ago. Jim Zulevic died today. I don't even really know what to say or think. I am in shock to hear such devastating news. His death marks the loss of a wonderful, hilarious and talented person. Tomorrow we were supposed to have our first level 5 class at Second City with him as our teacher. He coached our class into better performers only a few months ago. It just won't be the same.

Fattest City

Well, it looks like I live in the just named Fattest City in America. I can't cut a break! Seriously, how am I ever to get fit and remain thin when I live in the one city that ranks as the fattest in the good ol' U S of A? And the U S of A is probably the fattest country in the world. It's a constant battle folks. I guess I need to move to Hawaii where they have the second most fit city in America. I'll take one for the team and move there.

Speaking of Hawaii...I am taking a trip there in one month!! My sweet parents have invited me and my friend Wendy to accompany them to the great city of Honolulu. I think I'll prepare myself for this trip not by exercising but by watching my guilty pleasure, Blue Crush. I own it. It's true. You're than welcome to come over and watch it with me. I know you want to. Or I could go for the more innocent Gidget movies. But don't let her innocence fool you. She was pretty wild back in her day. Don't think I won't be taking surfing lessons by guys ten years my junior with beach blonde hair and tan (notice that's beach, not bleach).

Christmas Gift

Christmas was once again a magnificent experience. How could I not enjoy Christmas when I have the most loving and generous family on the face of the planet? We are so loving that it's disgusting...I love it, so go ahead and be disgusted!

One of the gifts I received on Christmas that has just stayed with me is the gift of poison ivy. It's the gift that just keeps on giving. Once you think you've kicked the habit, it pops up in new and unexpected places. What I first thought was dry scalp and a peeling ear turned out to be oozing poison ivy. My little brother loved to refer to it as crusty dried yellow mustard. I have never felt more attractive as I did over Christmas. Andrew was great at pointing out my attractive traits: Poison Ivy/Mustard ear, the hug enormous pimple on my forehead and the one grey hair that is growing at my temple. Someone take my headshots NOW!

But I have to admit that my case of poison ivy could not compare to Patricks which is growing all over and then some. Apparently the steroid shots didn't do much but bring him into the world class baseball arena.

Where did we find the poison ivy in December? In Texas rappelling down a cliff of course! Where else!??

Resolutions

You all know my issues with grocery stores. Yesterday didn't help matters at all! I'm a pretty healthy eater usually. When I cook at home/eat at home, I do the basics and keep it simple. I usually buy the same things when I go to the store. So I gathered up the courage to brave the Jewel and stock up on some goods. Not only is this Jewel just dirty looking but it is always packed and let's face it, it's just not a wonderful experience. My irritation with this whole process was geared more towards the consumer this trip.

I was just IRRITATED at the people who decided to eat healthy for all of 5 days after their New Years resolutions were established. All of the good vegetables were taken. The fruit was ransacked. Chicken breasts that are usually plentiful...no where to be found. I had to build a contraption to reach the last box of Kashi left abandoned on the shelf.

You know what? I gave it a good effort and walked away with food that could make half of a good meal. I have salad with no protein, bread with no meat, and that's about it. But I do have cereal. Cereal is always good for any meal. It's my favorite recipe.

New Star Crush!

Okay, so maybe he's not a new star crush but he's definitely someone to think about and entertain the lonely over the holidays. Jessie, Maggie and I went to see The Family Stone last night for $5 movie night (such a bargain these days...plus free popcorn). The movie was pretty good, not great. The first half of the movie I pretty much hated everyone. No one was kind... or merciful... or normal. The one redeeming person in the movie was Luke Wilson. Therefore, I have a crush. Now I had a New Years resolution last year that I am to have no more star crushes. And I really don't have one on Luke...okay, maybe a tiny one. His character was just so likeable. Maybe in reality he wouldn't be likeable but with the mosaic of dysfunction in his family, he was a gem!

Jessie really is the one with the crush. She's stated her crush-like feelings for a while. So last night on the way home I was mentioning how he's a great guy because not only is he from Texas but also from Dallas!! Check out the film Bottle Rocket...it was filmed there (another Wilson/Anderson collaboration). You can see one of my old high school rival schools in one of the scenes (St. Marks). So I told her that I would probably run into him in Dallas and she went on and on about how cool that would be. I asked, "what if we meet and then I make out with him...how would you feel?" I am so mean! She said she would be jealous but "if someone makes out with him, it might as well be a friend." Then I mentioned my concern about the danger of his pointy jaw. That could put someone in the hospital.

Laser Update

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life! I ventured into American Laser Centers during my lunch break to be zapped. I have to admit that the preparation itself took longer than the zapping. I had to make sure that everything was exactly the way I wanted it before I went in. I'll spare you the details. I feel as though I've already said too much.

The process was much less painful than I had expected. It felt more like someone was flicking my skin or snapping a rubberband. But the pain went away instantly. The weird part was the gel they had to use on your skin. EWWWWWWWWWWWW! And I did feel a bit exposed to say the least. Revealing is the word I'll choose. Again, I'll spare you the details. But I did have to wear these cool sunglasses to protect my eyes. Basically I think that they make you wear the glasses to bring a little modesty to the process. This way neither of us can see what the other person is really thinking.

No ice packs were needed. I walked out of the office like nothing had happened. I just can't wait for this whole process to be OVER!

Good Question!

Because Jessie and I had hours of fun in the car driving to and from Danny's wedding, we got to know eachother better. We asked questions like the following:

1. If you fell in love with a wonderful man with the last name spelled S.C.H.I.T.Z, would you keep your own last name? We agreed that it would be a very unfortunate thing but we disagreed with what we would do.

2. If you could have any song writer write you a love song, who would you choose? Jessie chose James Taylor and I of course said Bono.

3. If you could have any song playing while you danced with a man that you just realized is the love of your life, what would it be? Tough Question! I don't think we ever came up with a solid answer.

4. What movie/literary character best represents you? I said Jo from Little Women. I think Jessie thought the same of herself.

5. If you could have acted in any movie, which would you choose? I said "Sense & Sensability." I don't remember Jessie's choice.

6. If you had to marry one of your guy friends, who would you marry? So not revealing this one! Partially because I don't remember who I said.

7. If you could act in a movie with any co-star, who would it be? I said a young Mel Gibson.

8. What actor would you have play you in a movie about your life? I don't remember the answer to this question...probably Tyra Banks. Ha!

What about you? Any thoughts?

Quick!Paddle!! Finale

Last night was the final Quick!Paddle!! show after our extension. Little did we know that there would be yet ANOTHER extension. However, this is only for one show on New Years Day and I won't be there. I'll still be in the Promised Land of Texas.

I don't know what it was about the show last night. It was just ON. We all felt it and you could tell that we were having a great time. Thax Douglas was back and he hopes to make the next show too! That would be 5 shows for him. Our suggestion was "harmonious beans" and took place in a restaurant, again. At first I played a server who was always second to Amy, another server. I should have been Prom Queen and therefore I cut myself. I wasn't so inspired by that character so I went with one a little closer to home. I played the wife of a preacher and it was so much fun. My christianese came out and I was definitely an expert on the topic. She was a fun and random character. My husband and I brought peace to the kitchen and mended relationships through prayer and baptism.

It was fun to have friends in the audience. Jessie and Jason have proved to be my greatest fans. John, Chelsey and Anne made it out too. Plus Gina and Megan from the office showed up.

Once again I'm thankful to be able to perform with such a talented cast.

Wedding #317 in Year 2005

Guess who caught the bouquet? Yours truly! Granted there was never a bouquet toss. They were too smart and kind to do something so cruel. The bride and groom, my cousin Danny and his wife Angela, were speaking with me after the reception. They realized that they had never thrown the bouquet and therefore handed it to me. That makes four bouquets and zero magic. But hey, you never know, the magic could be around the corner. For instance, New Years. I mean, I'm bound to get all dressed up and head out to a party that will be sure to meet my expectations of the greatest night of my life! Uh huh, right. Classic night of disappointment that would probably land me asleep by 11:30 p.m. Oh yes, it's happened before (Beckles, remember Barry?). But this year will hopefully be a repeat of last years dinner party that kept me laughing for hours. Wait, how did I get on the topic of New Years?

The wedding was fabulous. I took a risk and went with the curly/wavy hair look. I kind of liked it and will have to test it out again. A couple of hours into the wedding people found me on the dance floor shaking my hips to Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" and the Village Peoples' "YMCA." Unfortunately my black velvet suit turned out to be a sweat factory. Three songs in and I had to remove my velvet suit top and just sport the strapless number. I felt a little pasty and a little revealing but I went with it. I took my chances. There weren't any mishaps of the top falling down in the middle of the "Y" motion with my arms during "YMCA."

One of the shining moments of the weekend was my sisters first baby shower. It really hit me that she IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY! I so can't wait for the baby to come. That way I can finally call it a "he" or "she" instead of "it." She is going to be a fabulous mom. The shower was topped off by tears from me and my sister. Mom was too sick to come so she sent a note and a present which immediately made me and Erin cry like babies. She so knows how to do that to us!

Did I ever tell you how last week I watched "Little Women" and cried so hard (VERY LOUDLY) that I looked like I had been punched in the face? That was awesome! I needed that cry.

And finally, we saw the sites that Springfield had to offer! Sites in Springfield? Yesiree! If you ever have the chance to see the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum, DO IT!!! What an incredible museum filled with so much history. Who knew that Lincoln was so hated by the country? Interesting how he is so revered now. Plus they had awesome theaters showing films of his life. That's my review!

Game Night

With Jock Jams 4000 playing in the background Game Night I commenced. For weeks we've been trying to coordinate a game night. Nobody does those anymore and they are just good old fashioned fun. Alcohol didn't even enter the picture. See folks, these aren't drinking games. These are games for the intellectual and witty. That's me. Do you want to know what other people are intellectual and witty? John, Chelsey, Fernando, Anne, Jessie, Janell and I. Jenny is normally intellectual and witty but she was also very sick. We wanted no part of that!

The night had an ambience of white Christmas lights, jolly holiday tunes and the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies...and fierce competition. Now what most people don't know about me is that I can be extremely competitive. And it's not pretty. But last night I was mostly all talk because I couldn't yell at my teammates on our first game night. I'd never be invited again. So we laughed, giggled and patted eachother on the backs.

We played two different games last night: 1) Catch Phrase and 2) Apples to Apples. Normally Catch Phrase is a scene stealer but last night Apples to Apples was definitely the crowd favorite. You can talk, eat and play at the same time. Before we knew it it was almost midnight and this princess was about to turn into a pumpkin.

I'll post pictures from the night later.

FYI 2

My teeth have sweaters on them from the mounds of sugar I have consumed today.

FYI

I'm eating chocolate covered peanuts like it's popcorn. Someone rescue me. Anyone.

Laser Technology!

Praise the Lord! Those of you who have walked through many years of my open discussions on waxing can now rejoice with me! Beginning in one week I will be going through the laser hair removal process! It's been a long road of research, reservations and invasively intimate appointments. I am so excited about this that I could just give up chocolate forever (whoa! that was a strong statement. I take that back.)!

Yesterday I met with Amy at American Laser Centers and she walked me through the process. It's easy to say, I'M SOLD!!!!! I don't know one woman who wouldn't want to have this done. I mean, never having to shave or wax again! I might become addicted. Next I'll have my legs done, then my arms, then my eyebrows, then my head...wait. Slow down.

It's an expensive habit but I think it will be life-changing. I'll let you know how it goes.

Amen.

Feast

Santa has arrived at the office. The kitchen looks like it's been ravaged by mad hungry women. Why couldn't have all these goodies arrived two weeks ago when I was in the prime of my PMS'ing? At least devouring colonies of chocolate makes sense when you're about to start your period. It doesn't count. Now my raging chocoholism is purely for gluttonal reasons. It counts, and then some.

Let's see, what have I tasted today?
- chocolate chip cookie
- sugar/butter cookie
- chocolate covered plum
- chocolate covered pretzel
- chocolate covered popcorn

And the day isn't even nearly over! Someone please help me. I'm crying out for help! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME????!!!!!

I guess I'm going to have to walk through this alone. Well maybe not totally alone. There are 15 other women in this office who will happily walk with me....to the kitchen.

Winter Storm

So here it is, the picture of my neighborhood after the first winter storm of the season. Where's Katy's car? Let me know if you find it. I need to dig it out.